Influencing Influencers – Rule 5 – Likeability

Do you want more people to like you…or would you prefer to be less liked?

Are you someone who finds it easy to make other people like you?

Are you actually even remotely likeable? I mean really likeable, not just liked by your mum and three ‘fwends’ you chat with on Facebook.

Likeability is a little bit more abstract than the other methods of influence and persuasion we have already explored in this series. It’s harder to quantify in terms of effect, but nevertheless immensely powerful and worth developing. Why? Because people are much more likely to do business with, trust and endorse people they like. They are also much more forgiving of them.

The challenge in quantifying likeability is because one person’s idol is another’s nemesis. In the US in 2020 there was an almost exact 50:50 split between Trump and Biden, with both sides utterly sure they were right, and sure that voters who go for the other guy were at best stupid and at worst genuinely evil. The population has become divided on this issue…that in itself is fine, but they have also decided they don’t like each other. People have died.

Being liked has value, however. Also, the chances are, if you are liked by quite a few people, you will have learned, subconsciously, how to ‘play the game’ and, if needed, can make others like you too.

Likeable people bring positive emotional energy when they arrive. People want to be around such energy. People avoid negative energy.

People also want likeable people to like them, and so we tend to act in ways to garner their favour.

If you’ve found yourself saying yes to someone, for no particular reason, you’ve probably made your decision based upon your liking!
We tend to like people who are similar to us, compliment us, or cooperate with us in achieving mutual goals. We can alter our delivery, words, tone, and actions to develop these areas and make ourselves more likeable.
Advertisers know that effective content is always empathetic and it is all about helping people. If you set that clearly out in your mind then you will be curious about how to best help each and every patient, and this will effortlessly come across.
Remember your communication is mostly body language, supplemented with tone and, to a lesser extent, the actual words you use. Most of your intention, attention and consideration is therefore subconsciously displayed and interpreted, so your curiosity about the patient’s wellbeing really does need to be authentic.

It’s worth remembering as you read below that humans ALL have far more in common than we have in conflict. We all want to feel loved, valued, respected, worthy, safe, hopeful, and that we are surrounded by people we can trust.

Most of us want to make our patients feel that way. Those that don’t, as far as I can see, are in two groups: people who shouldn’t be working in healthcare (fiscally motivated/sociopathic, etc.) and good people who are burnt out. Burn-out is a blog for another day, but part of the descent into working life becoming a soul destroying void of anxiety and exhaustion is that patients become dehumanised to you. You can’t be curious about a human if you don’t see their humanity.

Moving on to our next point, we cannot dismiss the bit-part that physical appearance plays in the likeability stakes. For good or for ill, we judge each other on appearance. I refuse to expound on that here to any great extent, but the fact that good-looking, healthy people have advantages is undeniable.

If David Beckham had been a sallow, cadaverous sweaty man with a severe skeletal discrepancy and a chipped upper central incisor he wouldn’t currently own Inter Miami and Salford Football clubs.

We can’t change our faces (much), but we can present ourselves with an image of valuing the effort it takes to be healthy. Again, that’s for another day.

In the areas where we have more control, namely our behaviour, we can have far more agency to make ourselves both likeable and in doing so gain more opportunity for ourselves and our patients.

Friendly faces

We have written before that humans judge each other in the first few seconds of meeting. Your subconscious does most of the work, which means this happens fast and involuntarily. We initially judge for threats vs kindness or warmth and then competence (usefulness). In the first instance, we judge threats by reading each other’s hands. Hands used to be for holding weapons! Open hands extended in a gesture of welcome, shown to be empty, take that possibility of threat away.

After assessing (in a blink of an eye) our hands, we switch to eyes and faces. Your eyes show your attention and intent. Look at your patient to show that they are your focus (but don’t stare like a weirdo), and as you look, show your warmth with words of welcome, open-handed gestures, and, if you can… a smile.

Conversational discussion and threads of commonality

We all have things in common. Every single one of us. If you ever meet someone and, short of them having a genuine personality disorder, think you have ‘nothing in common’, that isn’t true. You may not be BFF’s but you will be able to find areas of interest in their lives that you can relate to, explore and discuss. The easiest example for me is football. No matter how hard I try, I cannot make myself interested in football.

(Cry-babies running around after a ball, shouting with escaping spittle at their referee, too stupid to realise referees won’t rethink their decision if you scream like a three year old in their face, fainting at a bruise, pretending to die if someone trips them up, washing up at 33 and falling into a life of meaningless debauched alcoholism and self-pity…not my choice of hero, I’m proud to say).

But, I’m wrong. Football is loved, completely, everywhere I go. Everyone else in my life seems to build fantasy teams around it, watch it avidly, get upset when the ball is kicked badly by a man who should have kicked it better and acts like the world is ending if they are wronged by the referee.

This means I struggle to ‘chat footy’. But I can ask a dad if he enjoys taking his kids to football, if he and his wife support the same team. Does having a team the family support together bring them closer? Do you have aspirations for your kids to play to a high level? How is the team doing?

What I’m actually asking him about is quality family time, family jokes and rivalry, spending time as a parent, what they hope for their kids’ futures. What their hobbies and interests are.

I’m trying to find out the patient’s wishes, fears, pains, joys, hopes and values. All the patient experiences is a person who they ‘get on with’, someone they ‘find it easy to talk to’. It’s because I’ve made it easy to talk to me by being curious about them. Don’t forget – EVERYONE’S favourite subject is themselves!!!

Peloton, the phenomenal static bike brand, knows how to leverage threads of commonality well. They really introduce you to the trainers. They personalise them – big smiley faces, individual bios – and make you like them. They are very likeable. If you own a Peloton bike/treadmill, imagine if your trainers were as miserable and insecure as your principal…just kidding…lol. Peloton trainers also exude positive energy. See more on that below.

Mirroring

If you happened to have lunch with the Queen, when you met her and her courtiers and such, you would put on your poshest voice and best manners. You may not have planned to do so…but you would.

You just mirrored.

Mirroring is an unconscious behaviour whereby we copy gestures, speech patterns or even the attitudes and emotions of others. Again, it happens subconsciously, and there are specific neurones in your lovely brain that make you do it. These were an evolutionary advantage as mirroring helps us build rapport and connection. It is probably best thought of as a form of body language.

People with autism or other conditions which inhibit the automatic processing of social cues won’t naturally mirror. These neurones can get switched off when you are terribly stressed, scared or anxious. How often do you feel that way at work? Too often for some, I know!

Positive energy

We can keep this bit short. People like positive people. They are drawn to them as they like being with them. Being with them feels good. And vice-versa when it comes to negative people.

There are scales psychologists use, and you could be assessed and actually read a metric score on your positivity. A few of you are likely to be net negative. That’s not a criticism, but it is a disadvantage if you work in a job where being liked is worth something.

Ask yourself this:

Do people like parting with money? No!
Do people like parting with money and giving it to someone they don’t like? God, NO!

The energy exchange that occurs in every single human interaction forms the very foundation of the present and future relationships with that person.

The good news is anyone can learn to migrate their position on the positive and negative affect scale. Increasing your emotional intelligence will also enable you to give out more positive energy without it costing you too much, and perhaps most importantly, protect you from the negative-energy patient who you dread seeing even a week in advance. You know exactly the one I’m talking about. The one who leaves you exhausted and unsettled. The one you wish would just move away, perhaps to the Moon.

Peloton instructors dish out positive energy in vast quantities. They welcome you, encourage you, congratulate you, reward you, thank you. Positive, positive, positive.

Who likes who?

One thing to remember here. People like people who they think like them. If you cannot work out any way of making a patient like you, make sure they think you like them.
“I’ve warmed the local anaesthetic as I want this to be comfortable for you.” As well as showing professional care, this exudes: “You’re a good person and I really like you.”
“I’ll call you tomorrow as that was a tricky extraction.” As well as showing professional care, this exudes: “I really like you, so I want to know you are ok.”

Try it. It works.
So, clearly, a blog can’t teach you to be likeable, but I hope it gives you the idea. Look for other examples where this is used, other than just personal fitness brands! The best chat show hosts do this too, as do sportsmen and women who transition into commentary and punditry. Their likeability is the only factor that matters in that pathway actually.

There are almost no disadvantages in developing skills to make people like you. It starts with self-awareness, the first stepping stone in emotional intelligence development.