Authenticity
“Authenticity is the daily practice of letting go of who we think we’re supposed to be and embracing who we are.”
Brené Brown
This is not a ‘humble-brag’, although no matter what I do it still reads a bit like one:
When you give a lecture and people send you personal messages of thanks…well, it really means a lot. It feels good. More so if it has taken time, late work and you have deeply studied the subject. Studied it to a depth that came at the cost of other opportunities. Wrenched it around in your head from acute angles and then argued with yourself just for the chance of finding your own weak spots.
After our recent webinars on emotional intelligence, the topic that seemed to resonate with some the most was this: Authenticity. People wrote to me about becoming more authentic.
So, let’s start at the bottom. With my bottom in fact.
I remember, to my teenage shame, putting on ‘the act’ to impress girls. I would work them out, what impressed them, what they were interested in, and mould myself into something vaguely similar to this perceived ideal, with the intent to gain and hold their attention. You know what I mean.
And…well…by Jove, it worked!
For a while. Well, for about ten minutes actually.
See, the thing is, the mask I donned needed reapplication every time I would interact with the object(s) of my desire.
The mask is ‘high maintenance’, largely because the real you can’t help but just ‘be’.
The real, authentic you is always there, lurking, relentless, unquiet and tenacious. Trying to surface and show your authentic self.
The mask cracks and slips and is askew unless you tend to it in perpetuity.
It’s a Sisyphean effort to act in any way other than authentically. Being true to your inner soul and pursuing your North Star feels effortless and joyful.
‘Keeping it real’ is steeped in the wisdom of the ages.
An inauthentic life is one where it doesn’t align with your character and your true values.
Inauthenticity is either erroneously chosen or, perhaps worse, cruelly enforced on you by others.
To impress those girls, I chose to be something I’m not, and I feel the embarrassment of this adolescent behaviour to this day.
In my defence, I was an idiot…but a very young and confused one. And not for very long. (And, to be fair, the girls were as inauthentic as they could possibly be too: hair, nails, make-up, scent, filters, etc).
So, yes, this is a blog about authenticity.
Question: Is it possible to be authentic all of the time?
I don’t think it is. Not for most. I know people with Asperger’s who are, and also as I work in a hospital I get the genuinely humbling privilege of talking with the mortally ill.
Those in their last few sunsets of life. Many of these folk fear nothing (certainly not social judgement from others), and I see their true authenticity. They let it all show and shine. Wow. Each and every one of them is spectacular to behold because there is nothing held back, no filter, no pretence.
It’s from that group that Brené Brown’s quote at the top comes from — it’s a common gem of wisdom passed on by those who have nothing else to lose and nothing in life to fear.
For most, all we can aim for is being authentic as much as possible and building consistency.
If you find yourself acting inauthentically it’s because you chose to be this way (an internal decision), or it could be that it has been externally enforced by others, for perhaps cultural or familial expectations.
The internal choice comes at a cost to your soul; the external takes forbearance and suffering. Or submission perhaps. To give in and live your life as a lie.
Question: What is authenticity?
It’s the real you.
Socrates’ philosophy still influences thinking today and likely will for evermore. He didn’t invent the phrase “Know Thyself”, however. It is inscribed on the front of the Oracle at Delphi.
In ancient Greek myths the Oracle was the ultimate source of wisdom. Heroes and villains would travel on perilous journeys just for the chance to ask a question or seek guidance from the Oracle.
Some heard messages, often misinterpreted by their arrogant confirmation bias, that led to their doom. All they had to do was look up and think deeply about how one can know oneself.
It’s no trivial task. You must stand and live according to your nature. Your soul’s desire.
Nature. Soul. Essence. Let’s consider this your character. Everything else is a mask.
No matter your riches, if you don’t have at least one 100% maskless relationship in your life then you are a poor soul.
People talk about ‘becoming’ and ‘being’ your best. ‘Living your best life’… gibber.
Live a life true to your character. The person you like within. Forgive yourself for the poor display (if it has been that way to date) and strive to be the person you feel you want to be inside. Not someone false or untrue, but someone true whom you like. Begin now, and grow into this role.
What is someone’s ‘best?’ It’s incredibly difficult to get your brain around, partly because it’s a moving target that is made up of other moving components: your current skill, your worldview, and the cultural, social and environmental conditions at that time.
I’m lucky to see a lot of ‘top of their game’ dentists, medics, surgeons, psychologists and TED speakers, and it’s easy to see the threads of commonality. One in particular.
They have a set of principles, completely aligned with their character (as ever-evolving as that may be), and they combine these principles to form a personal philosophy.
Not one of them calls it that, many don’t even know they’ve done it, but it’s plain to see nevertheless.
So, before we read another clichéd meme about ‘being your best’… Do you have a personal philosophy?
If so, what is it?
Can you succinctly say it in under 25 words?
In the modern world, philosophy — the pursuit of wisdom or the study of knowledge — can seem antiquated or even academic.
As a concept it has become remote from the furloughed, FFP3 daily life we now live in.
But philosophy, to my mind, is the end point of all scientific endeavour. Because it has no end point itself. Just like us and our minds.
One doesn’t have to look further than world-class performers and leaders for evidence of how vital and alive philosophy is. Almost across the board, the best in the world operate from a clear and finely tuned personal philosophy.
A personal philosophy is a word or phrase that consists of the principles that influence your thoughts, words and actions.
So, what is your personal philosophy? It doesn’t sit outside of you. It lives inside you, waiting to be expressed, waiting to be revealed. You might not consciously know what it is, or you might only know parts, but it’s there. Your philosophy impacts your thoughts, tendencies and behaviours and plays an active role in your daily life.
It may be the dominant force that shapes how you experience life. You just need to uncover it. Your philosophy is revealed by the choices you make and the actions you take. Other people consider that your character.
Your personal philosophy serves as a compass to align your thoughts, words, and actions. It expresses your basic beliefs and values. Your personal philosophy guides every decision you make, influences the friends you choose, the love you find, the purchases you make, jobs you inhabit, where you live in the world, the way you feel about yourself, and the possibilities you hold for yourself.
It tries to answer the questions:
Who am I? What am I about? And what is my purpose?
A way to start this process could be writing down the answers to some of these questions:
- Who are the people that you look up to and what do they stand for? – Write them down.
- What are your favourite quotes? – Write these down!
- What are your favourite words? – Write, write, write.
Once you have filled a piece of paper with these answers, start circling 20-25 of the words that really stand out to you. Go back over that list and start crossing out words that don’t feel like they link with ‘who you are’.
Now try and construct, carefully, a sentence with the words that are left.
Once you have this first draft, share it with a loved one and ask for feedback. Once you’ve nailed it down on paper, commit it to memory. This is very personal, so make sure you can trust who you show. If they want to hold you back, they will have found every vulnerability you have.
I admire you if you do this. Truly.
There is no person uglier in spirit than the entitled and incompetent individual living a lifestyle they did not earn, and could not ever create for themselves. For those who know an undeserved luxury can never truly appreciate it.
Question: How can we build our character?
- Take responsibility for your words, actions and influence.
- Don’t corrupt yourself (you know exactly what I mean).
- Reconcile your contradictions, e.g. don’t eat shit all weekend and feel sad at the blob in the mirror.
- Learn and practise virtues. If this makes no sense, quite simply go and help people who need it. Volunteer work, anything. The rest will explain itself.
- Seek discomfort voluntarily. In exercise, in restraint, in avoiding immediate gratification. Don’t make it unending, but invite it and use it.
- Think deeply and live a life framed by your ethical will.
- Accept the truth is brutal and doesn’t care about your ‘feels’.
There’s no one path toward living a life full of deep meaning. We are each responsible to carve our own unique path. Your path is uncharted. It’s up to you. There’s no one in this world quite like you, there’s no one that knows what’s right for you. There’s no one that can show you, your way. You must earn the courage to explore the uncharted, unfolding, unknown future.
Life passes by most people while they’re making grand plans for it. My own mother made grand plans for her and dad’s retirement, only to die 6 months in at 67. We ignore death, we lose track of what’s important. Of priorities and what’s meaningful. We even lose track of what’s fun. We don’t acknowledge that there’s an end, and we don’t prioritise and we waste time — and not even in ways that are truly enjoyable.
Patients will see and feel your authenticity. They inherently trust and admire it. They perceive you as honest, wholesome and committed. Because you are.
Find your authentic inner you and lee it be the best of you. All day, every day.
